One-to-ones - Part 1
By Ben Petersen, 22 Jan 2023
A one-to-one is what churches with lots of students tend to call ‘having Christian friends.’ A one-to-one is where you meet with someone with some kind of regularity to build each other up in the faith.
One-to-ones are for everyone! In this first post we’ll think about big picture questions: what is a one-to-one? Why would you want to do it? Are there different types of one-to-one? Then in the second post we’ll focus on some practical questions.
Why bother?
For some of us, it’s not hard to get excited about one-to-one – why wouldn’t you want strong Christian friendship that helps you grow more like the Lord Jesus? For others, we might not be convinced yet.
The Shape of God’s Household
One of the ideas that comes up in 1 Timothy,[2] as well as 2 Timothy and Titus really clearly is the idea of the church as God’s household.
Although I hope to come to you soon, I am writing you these instructions so that, if I am delayed, you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God’s household, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth. (1 Timothy 3:14-15)
The church is God’s household. We’re meant to relate as family would in a household:
Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2)
And in Titus 2:1-8 we get a sense of how those household relationships should play out. Just notice the shape of these relationships. Paul has left Titus in Crete to set up a right church order. He’s to appoint elders in 1:5. They’re going to lead the church in their teaching and their example. More broadly, he’s got to teach all the older men - not just the elders who are leaders[3] - to be worthy of respect and self controlled. He’s got to teach them to live in line with how the gospel shapes our lives, or ‘what is in accord with sound doctrine,’ (v1). Later, v6 he’s got to teach the younger men to be self controlled. Part of this has to be that he’s setting the older men up to be an example to the younger men. In the long run, the older men are to be the examples for the younger men.
And that’s what we see explicitly with how he’s to teach the women:
Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind and to be subject to their husbands, so that no-one will malign the word of God. (Titus 2:3-5)
Teach the older women to live godly lives, then they can teach the younger women to do the same. Even though the letters to Timothy and Titus have a very high view of preaching and church gatherings, Paul expects more to be happening. He wants churches to have a natural culture where the older men and women teach the younger men and women what godly living looks like.[4] This is what we’re aiming for with a one-to-one.
The Power of the Word
Even seeing that the Bible expects churches to grow more like Jesus through these kinds of relationships, you might still be thinking: But how can I ever do this? And the answer is that all the power for growth in a one-to-one is in the word of God.
Let’s just remind ourselves of how the Bible sees itself, how God promises to use his word:
… how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation. (2 Timothy 3:15)
You have been born again … through the living and enduring word of God. (1 Peter 1:23)
What is the instrument that God used to bring those Christians from death to life? His living and enduring word. When we meet with someone over the Bible, we’re bringing them to the living word that gives new birth. We’re exposing them to the very instrument that God has promised to use to bring people from death in sin to the fullness of life in Jesus Christ.[5] Yes, you – even you – can bring someone to God’s powerful word.
What goes into a one-to-one?
Sophie deWitt is helpful.[1] She says there’s three things that go in to a one-to-one: Bible, prayer, and friendship. Let’s think about each of them:
Bible
2 Timothy 3:16 says, ‘All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.’
The aim of a one-to-one is that we’re trained in righteousness and equipped for good works. So, it’s a bit of a no-brainer that a big part of one-to-one is having God’s word open and reading it together.
Prayer
In a one-to-one there’s a commitment to pray for each other. You would pray before you meet; you’d pray as you meet – responding to the passage and praying for each other in your different circumstances; and you’d pray for one another while you’re apart. It’s a privilege to partner with a brother or sister in prayer.
Friendship
The fact is, we need one another as we follow the Lord Jesus. I think this is something we’re still learning as a church. We need to speak truth to one another, to teach and admonish one another (Colossians 3:16). We need encouragement from one another, and we need each other to correct us. A one-to-one means you get to know each other well enough to speak lovingly and directly to one another. But realistically, we don’t get that level of personal chat if we’re not friends.
Types of one-to-one
There are two different kinds of one-to-one. Evangelistic one-to-ones, and discipleship one-to-ones. Or in other words, a one-to-one with a Non-Christian, and a one-to-one with a Christian
- Evangelistic one-to-ones:
A one-to-one with a non-Christian can look like a real range of things, and we’ll get into more of the details of this in the next blog post.
But just to give you a flavour:
- A Hope Explored course at home
- A lunchbreak at work looking at a bit of a gospel
- A regular meet-up at a coffee shop to chat about the person’s questions about Christianity
- Meeting up along with a staff member to chat with someone
- Read a short book together and meet up once to discuss it
It’s something anyone could do, and it really makes sense as an idea:
It’s informal
A formal, organized event, like a Sunday morning or a Christianity Explored course can be too intimidating for some of our friends and neighbours. But a one-to-one strips away that formality. Someone can ask their questions to a familiar and (hopefully) friendly face!
It’s a natural suggestion
Similarly, for us it can feel like quite a big step to invite someone to Christianity Explored. But if you’ve already had a few conversations about Christian things with someone at work and they keep asking questions, it’s not that big a step to say, ‘well why don’t we meet up for a drink and give your questions some proper time?’
They probably already trust you
This is probably the key thing. When a one-to-one grows out of a friendship or a conversation that’s already happening, there’s already a level of trust. There’s no awkward, ‘let me introduce you to my pastor, Gerry.’ You already know them. They already know you. It’s the most natural way for them to keep finding out about Jesus.
- Discipleship one-to-ones:
We’ve seen from the Bible why something a one-to-one is a good idea for Christians, so here are some suggestions for what you could do. Again, there will be more detail in the second post.
Read a book of the Bible
This is probably the most common type of one-to-one. Either working off notes, e.g., from the Good Book Company, or one of you prepares beforehand.
Read a Christian book
Christian books are not a substitute for the Bible. Rather, a Christian book is where someone else has done some hard study in the Bible and has opened it up for us in print!
Prayer
Some of the most fruitful one-to-ones are simply long-term prayer partners. They know each others’ needs and they pray for each other regularly and specifically.
Conclusion
These have been some big picture thoughts about Christian friendship. We’re starting 2023 praying that we can grow in this area as a church. Please would you consider prayerfully what steps you could take in your existing friendships, or who you could strike up a new friendship with? Three simple ingredients give us a recipe for growth in Christlikeness together: Bible, prayer, friendship!
[1] Sophie De Witt, One-to-One, Rev. ed. (Milton Keynes: Authentic Media, 2004), 49–51.
[2] You can hear more in our series on 1 Timothy from Spring 2022, called Living in God’s Household.
[3] One commentator says they’re not the same group. Though the leaders would likely be drawn from this broader age category: over 40s. Philip H. Towner, The Letters to Timothy and Titus, NICNT (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 2006).
[4] Now sometimes there are going to be exceptions to that. Timothy is a prime example. He’s a young man and he’s got to teach older men. He needs to be careful how he teaches them, but they need to not dismiss him just because he’s young. You can imagine a situation where there’s a younger pastor in a church plant and all the older men are new Christians; or, where the more mature Christians are the younger ones. But they’re generally exceptions to the rule.
[5] This, from Herman Bavinck, helps us see how God’s word is special: ‘The power of a human word … depends on the extent to which a person puts one’s heart and soul into it, on the distance existing between the person and one’s speech. But in the case of God that is different. It is always his word; he is always present in it … It is always God himself who, in whatever form and by whatever means, brings it to people and calls them by it.’ Herman Bavinck, Reformed Dogmatics, 4:459.